6 Tips for Declining Birthday Party Invitations with Sensitivity and Tact

I have two kids that might as well be from different planets in terms of their social styles. One of my daughters has never met a social occasion she doesn’t like. From the time she was a toddler, my husband and I predicted that she would close a lot of bars in her day.

Our other daughter, though, is what you might call socially selective. While she is blessed with many friends, she can be a little on the picky side about who she wants to play with and even what activity she wants to do on a given day. A natural introvert who often needs down time, she also has a variable tolerance for social situations. So, with that as backdrop, we have had a lot of practice in politely declining birthday party invitations—particularly in the early elementary years when parties included everyone in the class.

When she was younger, we would do the declining for her, usually citing a previous commitment. But as she has gotten older, we’ve tried to school her in the nuances of how one declines an invitation without burning bridges. In other words, we want her to be able to honor her own rhythms and social preferences without hurting another kid’s feelings. Here are some tips that we’ve passed along to her.

1. Try to focus on the person, not the event. You were invited because this person likes you and accepting the invitation is a nice way to strengthen that connection.
2. If you know for sure that you don’t want to attend a party, you may play the “previous commitment” card. However, once you have played that card, you may not change your mind at the last minute and seek re-invitation.
3. If you are not sure if you want to attend, you may delay responding for a while but you must make up your mind at least 4 days (or whenever the RSVP date is) before the party so the host can plan for food, goody bags etc.
4. Waiting to see if a better invitation comes along is completely unacceptable in all circumstances.
5. Once an invitation has been accepted, the only legitimate excuse for a last minute cancellation is illness. But, to be very honest, extreme grumpy mood is sometimes considered an illness in our family—after all, why inflict your crabby kid on others and potentially ruin their good time? However, if an invitation is declined at the last minute, the decliner does not get to replace the party with another fun activity. If you’re too tired/sick/crabby to attend the party, it’s probably best to stay home.
6. Try to make amends. When an invitation must be declined, particularly at the last minute due to illness or other unforeseen circumstances, we often invite the birthday child over for an informal little party or a special activity.
   

I know, I know. In the grand scheme of things, knowing how to decline a kid's birthday party invitation is not a big deal. But it never hurts to try to develop those social graces early on…